We were half way through, maybe more. I’d been walking around the hospital for hours. Now I was told, I had to stay in bed. The contractions were coming to fast to stay upright as evidenced by my doubled over body.
Waves of contractions flooded my body as I climbed into the hospital bed. One on top of another. Refusing to provide adequate breathing room they crashed on top of me. “OHHHHHHHHHHSHITTTTT”
The contractions crashed as the swimmer within headed for the shore.
I’d made fun of women who’d bragged about giving birth without pain meds. Now I was attempting to do what I’d assumed was simple, easy – even.\
“AGGHHHHHH” I screamed as I squeezed the hand of my husband. ‘”DAMMMMMMN…OHHHHHHHH.”
Raging. Rushing The contractions crashed on top of one another.
“SHEEEEH” Exhaling I stammered. “I don’t think…I can’t … ...”KKKKKKKKKLLLOOOOOOOOOOCRAZY”
“I need pain meds” I screamed. “HELLLLLLLLL”
My husband raised his hand toward my forehead. “DON”T TOUCH ME.” I shouted.
Walking to the foot of my bed the skinny, female Einstein who was my doctor lifted my gown and checked the shore for signs of the swimmer.
“It’s too late for meds, you can do this.” She encouraged me.
“SHHHHHHHHHHUUUUSHHH.” I argued. “I CANNOT. I Cannot. I can NOT do this…” I screamed as she signaled for the nurse to move to the other side of the room.
Ten minutes or was it fifteen minutes later the swimmer arrived at the shore and was delivered to my chest.
I’d really wanted them, needed them even. Hell. Damn difficult. Hellacious. Giving birth without pain meds deserved a banner. I now realized why those women I’d made fun of celebrated the accomplishment of giving birth naturally. I wanted the banner too. Feeling every ounce of my child’s journey from the cocoon of safety to the shore was the hardest most hellacious thing I’d ever done. Of course I would have preferred to be entirely numb and missed out on all the pain and still the experience had taken me to a place I hadn’t known I was capable of going. I was different. Better in some way because of the hellacious pain I’d experienced in helping my little swimmer get to the shore and begin his journey on planet earth as my son and the incredible human being he was destined to be the day he was conceived and perhaps even before.
Life hurts. And then it gets worse and becomes miserable and anguish filled. Pain. Of course we want pain meds. Of course we want to numb ourselves. Of course life is more difficult than any one of us thought it would be. Why not fill up the prescriptions? Why not gamble, work or eat our lives away? Why not do whatever we can- to numb the pain or fill the nothingness within us? When life is miserable when everything around us screams pain or worse- vanilla nothingness we have a choice. We can push into the pain, embrace it and ask God to reveal to us joy inextinguishable right there…in the middle of not getting what we want and having to live with and deal with stuff that hurts like hell, isn’t fair or is just not what we expected life to be like …Dear God..help us not turn into numb robots, help us not to turn to; Alcohol. Drugs. Anti Depressants. Working. Staying Busy but instead turn to you and ask you to heal the parts of us that hurt are broken and if you can’t or won’t will you please give us the courage to feel …to truly feel the wickedly terrible and the miraculously good and to give you glory and thank our lucky stars that at the very least we can feel…feel the good and the bad and at the end of the day God could you make our joy inextinguishable no matter how miserable or painful life gets…We need you God. We need you more than pain meds. We need your peace and your provision always and especially when life is painful, miserable and difficult as hell..