Sometimes it seduces me.
Makes me believe it’s going to last forever.
Encourages me to hurry- rush through this moment to the next.
Whispers in my ear, telling me not to worry- there’s always tomorrow.
And then a day like yesterday shows up and death reminds me I’m easily seduced.
You’d think- I’d know better.
Over 26 years ago I learned this lesson and well I’ve learned it again and again and so how is it I find myself blindsided today?
There is not always tomorrow at least not this side of glory.
And for my friend and I – there will be no more tomorrow’s at least until I join him on the other side.
An attack. His heart stopped. And now the angel of a man, the guy with a heart so big you’d think he was Jesus himself is gone.
I remember when my momma passed.
I pounded the floor and promised to never take one little second for granted and well I did. I have. And then years later more people I loved died. And I told myself this time I was going to live on the edge of knowing how fleeting, how special, sacred even- life is. Every moment
And of course I tried but mostly I fell back into thinking life would afford me all the time and tomorrow’s I could ever want.
And then yesterday came.
Don’t let it seduce you.
But how to live with this knowing without becoming morbid, dark or depressing?
It ends. It does. At least this side of glory we are all racing toward death – we are.
So why don’t we shout it from the mountain tops. It’s not true there will not always be tomorrow?
Sure in the sense of eternity and being a spirit – there is no end. But time to hug our kids, laugh at our sister’s jokes- linger over a glass of pinot- and hug our loved one’s longer than they are comfortable with and say out loud all the gushy lovey things we feel down deep but mostly deny for fear we’ll be seen as impossibly emotional and all too sentimental.
Glory. My friend is there.
And the world of the dead grows and reminds me of what I know but keep forgetting.
I’m catching my breath.
Hear my prayer.
Heal me of this tendency to act as if life, this side of glory, has no limits -that I have forever to become who I’d always planned on being and loving as deeply and passionately as I’ve always imagined I might – someday.
I want for nothing more than to once and for all learn this lesson and to live here on the edge fully knowing the next breath might be my last and throwing myself even the yuky awkward part of me deeply into the moment and opening my heart so wide- by the time it’s my turn to leave to meet my maker I will have leaked every bit of compassion, love and kindness onto those who dared linger, hug, laugh with and love me.
Oh. And I will linger more.
I will hug longer.
And I will refuse to be anyone but this woman I’d always intended on being – tomorrow.