How is it you can be in a room full of people and feel alone? It’s weird. Isn’t it. But it happens. And lately, it’s happening a lo;t to me. So instead of being all positive and inspirational today ,I want to talk about being an outsider and feeling just plain lonely.
It came over me like slow moving indigestion.
At first, I assumed it was a lack of sleep or the non-stop schedule, maybe even my tendency to ingest too much caffeine. But when tears welled up I knew it wasn’t caffeine. That’s when I vamoosed stage left before anyone saw me start crying. I know. You think it was hormones. Okay, so did I. But quickly. And I mean, lightening quick it became apparent I was not emotional because of a spike of estrogen or the lack of it. No. I was lonely.
As I stared at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, I acknowledged the fact that although I’d helped nearly everyone I met no one knew anything about me other than I was an expert in what they needed. And this was exactly why I was there. To be of service, to help and volunteer. I didn’t show up to make friends or know anyone but once I was there I was overcome with how much of an outsider I felt like and how lonely I was in this new town that I’ve been living in. ‘
Weird. I know. Because really, I do have a few friends here and anyways I’m all inspiring you know so why should I need people or deep intimacy or friends and loved ones that know me well and for real?
As a creative and a single woman I’ve spent plenty of time alone. It just hit me that as much as I’ve learned to be alone I’ve always up till this past year had children to raise and be with if not full time – most of the time. So this is the first year in a long time when I’m not needed or around my children 24/7 and this is one of the reasons I’m going through this process of redefining what gives meaning and purpose to my existence . It’s easy to feel lonely when we lack meaning or are redefining our purpose.
When a creative type like myself is alone with her art she is an insider. A spiritual insider. For you see, art and any pursuit that involves mastery asks for our entire selves and a whole hearted heart and soul commitment. For to create and to become we must unite with the sacred and the holy and our God. So in creating we are never alone. But rather infused. An insider. A part of. Belonging. The beloved. So of course I’m never lonely when I’m practicing, creating art or becoming through mastery and discipline.
So maybe that’s it. I somehow disconnect from the sacred when I’m not creating art or pursuing mastery. And it’s because I disconnect and stop living as a spiritual insider I sometimes feel so alone in a group of many or on the outside looking in on life. Hmmm. Perhaps that is what I’m learning during this season. Being alone is a part of my call as a creative and as a creator but being an outside or lonely is a choice I make whenever I stop living as a spiritual insider and in harmony and synced up to my source.
I still feel a little lonely right now. But I trust that’s a part of learning how irreplaceable and absolutely magnificent it is to have deep, intimate friendships and loving relationships. I will be an even better friend and lover because of all this walking alone and learning what life feels like on the outside looking in…