I’m not feeling so holy today. I almost flipped someone off while driving and nearly cried when ordering tea.
Maybe it’s because it’s Sunday. And no I haven’t been writing here on Hope because I’ve promised myself to finish the manuscript that has been whispering, begging to be written- if only I could figure out how- for over a decade.
And so that my friend is reality.
Days begin early and they start with me writing this story and then they morph into hours with makers and starters and late in the night I turn into makeshift startup founder scurrying to bring revolution to the masses.
So back to the not so holy and kinda frustrated with God thing.
So me and God we’re chatting today about why I should continue to trust that HIS vision is so much better than all these little great ideas I have about every other twenty seconds-as to what should really be happening in my life.
I know he’s in all of what is manifesting only I’m so dang impatient. Yep I am.. I’m radically positive this startup I’m working on, the manuscript and my service at school- my time supporting a bunch of world changers is all apart of the grand plan.
Then why so whiny and kinda teary and a little frustrated today- you ask?
I keep getting little tastes of people and moments that make my heart leap for a season that is not yet manifesting in my life. And I know I’m in a season of creation, I’m planting not harvesting or playing and well sometimes when others come around with their fruit – I just want to find my Prince Charming and stop all this manifesting and for a moment enjoy the other part of life the part that isn’t about solitude and work but rather play and well even love.
You know I believe with faith all things are possible but that’s just it. Faith in what? Today I’m arguing with myself about trusting myself or trusting the divine- God and well because I’m so cranky it’s been quite a tug of war.
The god of Pam is actually quite incapable of much without syncing up to the force that IS the I AM. I know this but today I’m not peaceful, I’m refusing to let go and let come, to surrender entirely to the season I’m in and trust that it’s perfect and right where I’m called; here and now.
So remind me again why I should trust the moment is perfect, just as it is, not absent of anything I need or want?
I write to tell the truth. That’s it. The best I can and today. I’d like faith to be easier.
I’d like these projects to manifest in a poof and not take nearly forever.
Today I am starved for assurance.
I need an extra helping of trust and a side of courage.
I’d love for Prince Charming to show up but based on the fact this coffee shop is pretty empty- it looks like that’s not in the cards.
So remind me again.
I seem to be forgetting how to do this trust and let go of anything but this moment.
Okay. So I’ll keep trusting you. But dear God -please don’t forget I’m still looking for Prince Charming even if I am your bride.
Stay honest rockstar. Stay true.