Okay so I’m only quitting coffee not shelter, food or warm showers. As my sister would say this is a,“first world problem.”
And still. I am smitten with how much this little experiment has netted.
If you can’t you must. I’m not sure when or where I first heard this but the part of me that is competitive and slightly all in or all the way out – loved it immediately. And since that providential day I’ve added my own twist to this wisdom.
If you can’t you must. And if you choose not to- that’s cool because it’s YOUR LIFE.
So here I am, 12 weeks off coffee which for me, a girl that eagerly ingested 7+ shots a day- was no easy feat, even if it is a first world problem of the shallowest kind.
I’m not one who was non committal about my java. I loved my beans. My thing for coffee was real. We did life together. She helped me navigate relationships exploding, airplanes falling out of the air with people I loved in them, my journey through teenager rebellion hell and a financial disaster of the seismic kind.
WE, me and the beans we go way back. And holding onto her, feeling her warmth in my palm- well it saved me. I swear. There were days when no one but coffee and I conspired how I might find the courage to take the next breath and hold on to the shred of hope I felt slipping through my fingers. This is why I gulped her down so readily- she infused me with courage. She did.
So 12 weeks off the joe -and I’m waking up…
All hyped up with no where to go. Yes I was. Imagine me the girl whose never lacked energy on 7 shots of expresso a day? Who say’s a caffeine addiction isn’t just as bad as any other addiction? A drug is a drug especially when you use it as unconsciously as I used the beans- I’ve decided.
All I can say is I feel my feet on the floor when I slip out of bed in the morning now and late at night instead of downing a quad latte I take a sip of water and climb inside my sheets and cuddle with my pillow.
Less coffee means more emotions felt, or at least that’s how it feels inside of me about now.
Who knew. Feelings wouldn’t kill you if only you entertained them instead of drowning them with espresso’s, venti latte’s and tall drips. ( NO that is not a a description of my last date)
I think it was about something to hold. I hate to admit it, but there’s something comforting about holding a cup of warm coffee. Holding it makes you feel something, special maybe- connected -slightly? Even loved- I said that. Didn’t I? It’s weird, but somehow coffee became my friend and it’s not been easy to break up with her. I cannot lie. But going without her has helped me learn how needy I can be.
Was coffee my god? Of sorts- it was.
I’m sleeping a lot more now that I’m not artificially amped and well it feels good to feel tired and rest instead of trying to artificially rev myself up.
I swear, I’m still addictive in all forms of exercise and most forms of trying to grow and learn, I don’t want you to give me any sort of thumbs up or even encouragement. I really just want you to know it’s possible to give up the beans and when you do you might be like me and learn that habits can become chains, even prisons.
Choices. Quitting is a choice and well maybe that’s why I’m so giddy, it’s been so long since I’ve been free to choose, or at least that’s how I’ve felt. I’m elated I can now sit for hours in a coffee shop and only order orange juice or a decaf tea.
Present. Here now. Heart, mind – will open- the hands and feet of love- this is the woman I want to be and this woman feels more obtainable to me now that my feet are on the ground and I’m not pumped full of 10 shots of espresso.
If you can’t you must and if you choose not- that’s cool-because it’s YOUR LIFE.
Now to figure out what else I want to practice quitting….because right about now I want to quit anything and every thing that chains me to the life I’ve long since outgrown…