It’s been one of those weeks.
Feeling like the disciples when asked where they could get enough bread to feed all the people I’ve been staring at the call of my life, the dreams, plans in front of me -the opportunity to create something to feed many- to empower more and ruminating over what appears to be inadequate resources that feel amazingly similar to the 5 loaves and 2 fish that fed the five thousand.
I wrestle with trusting God when things seem impossible. I hedge my bet. Double down, work harder, network more. And then exhausted fall on my bed and call myself out for being the doubting Thomas I am …sometimes.
So tonight I’m imagining the look on the disciples faces when the five thousand sat down and Jesus gave thanks, blessed the bread and fish and the people feasted as much as they wished. I am envisioning the shock on their faces as they picked up the twelve baskets of left overs.
I don’t always see God’s resources, his store room of supplies but deep down I know they are there – mostly I worry I won’t qualify for them or that maybe I got the call wrong and I’m on the wrong path.
Sometimes I try to play God. Okay more than sometimes.
But now. Now I’m remembering all the abundance I experienced this weekend and being reminded I’m not God.
He not me is the multiplier.
So instead of sit here and plot about how and what I might do to turn these loaves into enough…I think I’ll just give thanks.
Giving thanks. For the abundance – all around me.
The abundance of beauty.
The abundance of learning.
The abundance that is service.
And giving thanks that I’m not God and I don’t have to pretend to be.
And admitting I’m exhausted from trying to figure out how to answer this call without the provision of the Divine.
It’s better when I let God be God.
I just well I’m impatient. And I doubt alot too..
All around me this weekend I saw evidence of a God whose storerooms know- no limit.
A God who has the answers -even when I don’t.
It’s not always easy.
Especially when it feels like your 5 loaves and 2 fish is inadequate for the call…
It’s the great multiplier.
God….I am so thankful- you are- my source.